You Ain't Black

You ain’t Black.

You don’t look Black.

You’re clearly not White.

What are you?

Where are your parents really from?

Why is your hair so long? Are you trying to look Black?

Why do you keep your hair short? Are you trying to hide the fact that you’re Black?

You don’t talk like a Black person. Why are you trying to sound White?

(Have you ever met a White person who sounds like me?)

I’ve never heard that expression before. I hate it when Black people use slang. Just learn to talk.

Wouldn’t you rather have some [ ]?

(No.)

Just eat what you want to eat.

(I am.)

You can’t just eat [ ] all the time!

(I don’t, and I haven’t eaten that stuff in at least four years. I don’t particularly like it.)

Some people need to be educated about a healthy diet.

Why do you wear khakis and tuck in your shirts? Are you trying to look White?

(None of you are dressed like me. What do you think?)

You can’t wear jeans to work.

(I’m wearing suit separates, as always.)

Some people need to be educated about how to dress professionally.

Black people are [ ].

(I’m Black. Do you see any of those traits in me?)

You’re one of the good ones.

Do you know what that word means?

(I’m the one who just used it correctly in a sentence. What do you think?)

People of your background don’t usually know words like that.

Wouldn’t you like to get a degree?

(I already have three.)

Why do you have so many degrees?

This sort of job is for people who went to places like [ ].

(I earned a degree from [ ].)

You think you’re entitled to a job just because of your degree?

You think you’re so smart.

(I didn’t say anything.)

I want to hear you say that I’m smarter than you.

(No.)

You’re so narcissistic.

Why don’t you just get a job doing [ ]? Is it that hard to get a job?

You’re clearly smart, but we just feel that you’re not the best fit for the team.

You’d have to learn some new things for this role [which we assume you can’t do].

(Have you seen my resume? Learning things is what I do.)

Why don’t you just get a job doing [ ]?

You work here, right?

(No.)

Well, can you help me with this, anyway?

(I don’t work here. There’s an employee 20 feet away.)

When a Black man walks down the street, he looks scary. Must be nice to know that people won’t mess with you.

Are you following me?

(You were walking behind me. How could I have been following you? I didn’t even know you were there.)

There he is.

(Who?)

Cuff him.

(What?)

Someone just stole a purse.

(I’ve been standing here with my classmates for the last 15 minutes. And aren’t you forgetting to recite my Miranda rights?)

Sounds like you know a lot about this.

(I have a law degree.)

Then what are you doing here?

...

(Wait. That’s the guy who took the purse? He’s White. And short. And skinny. And blond.)

...

(Why didn’t you say anything?)

We didn’t know what to say.

(The young woman whose purse was stolen knew what to say. That I wasn’t the person who took it.)

Where did you get that?

(My car? At the [ ] dealership.)

I think you stole it. I’m calling the police.

Can I help you?

(No.)

You can’t do that here.

(I’m literally just sitting here.)

Is that your daughter? She’s so cute.

(Thank you, but she’s my niece. She’s very cute, though.)

You mean she’s not your baby? Give her to me.

(What? I’m not giving my niece to some stranger.)

Here’s a joke about lynching Black people.

(Wow. That’s racist, to say the least.)

You’re overreacting. That’s just how people talk.

I saw a Black man walking past my house. I took out my gun and told him to leave.

I saw a Black man walking down the sidewalk. I told him I was calling the police.

Wow, Black people sure are dangerous.

They sure are.

Do you really think that White people are racist?

(I don’t make blanket statements about entire ethnicities. Some are. Some aren’t.)

Do you think that all White people are racist?

(No. I never said any such thing. In fact, I said the opposite. Stop asking.)

You’re the real racist.

If you care so much about racism, why didn’t you make it your career to do social justice work?

I wish Black people would just stop talking about racism.

Those things never happened. You just made them up because you want attention. Racism isn’t real.

Sure, we all know that racism exists, but it’s not that bad. You people bring it on yourselves.

You can’t just choose to be Black. You don’t experience the things that Black people experience.

You ain’t Black.

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Ceschino studied politics and literature at Notre Dame, law at Harvard, and business at UT-Austin. He is raising two adorable children with his wife, and he hopes to make the world a better place for them while passing on his love of good stories, fun games, and art. Feel free to connect on Facebook or Twitter if you would like to continue the conversation.